How not to name your dog.

So you’ve gone to the pet store and bought a new best friend. Or you’ve adopted a new pet from a shelter. Good for you. Now you need to find a name for your new buddy that both of you can live with. A name that will uniquely identify your pet. A name that, above all, will not scar your dog for life, nor send your friends and family into hysterics every time they hear it. Have no fear, I’m here to help.

If you adopted your new dog from a shelter, realize that they probably have already been named by the useless shits that got rid of them in the first place. So if you can find out what they were named before, make sure that you don’t name them that. Change their name as the first step toward letting them know that you won’t spank them, kick them down the stairs, throw them at the furniture, or feed them other people’s, other dogs’, or indeed their own vomit.
Here are a few tips for naming your dog.

1. Make the name fit the species and size of the animal. Names such as Spartacus, Brutus, Caesar, and Tor Johnson might be suitable for large canines, but not for small dogs. Do not name a creature Muffin, Oprah, or Petunia unless you expect the dog will be wearing a bow. See the section on abuse, above.

2. Avoid literary references such as Nemo, Moriarty, Lady Chatterly (this name might be good for a full size French poodle with a penchant for barking), or Flem Snopes. Historical names are OK, as long as they fit the general disposition, size, and shape of the animal. Examples of unfortunate historical misnaming might include Napoleon for a Golden retriever, Phillip the Fourth for a Black Lab, or Adolph Hitler for anything at all.

3. Names such as Fido, Champ, Scout, and Rover, while all classics of the milieu, have fallen out of favor due to overuse. I once knew a guy who named his dog “Fideaux.” Dogs can’t spell. Dogs don’t understand puns. This guy was naming the dog for the benefit of others, not the dog.

4. Do not name a dog after a friend, spouse, or child. This can cause confusion or even resentment. If you name your dog after a particularly stupid individual, the dog might rise up and revolt against you on the grounds of extreme cruelty.

5. Avoid the temptation of naming a dog after any negative behavior it displays. Names in this category might include Shitlicker, Pooeater, Shinshag, Bark Daemon, or Gasbag the Magnificent. On the other hand, if the dog licks its genetalia incessantly, one might very well choose Happy as an appropriate name. Or Showoff. Or maybe George Bernard Shaw.

6. That being said, lofty sounding names involving puns should be avoided. Chester Alan Barker, Abraham Lickoln, Harry Truman, Genghis Canine, Tom Bones, and Pant Boleyn would fit into this category.

7. Avoid very long names, unless your dog has papers identifying it as a pure breed. If you obtained a pure bred dog from a shelter, you should probably not change the dogs name in the first place, if its breeding means anything to you. Or if it has not been neutered. Shelters tend to neuter animals, so the point may be moot. Keep in mind that your dog will probably be wearing a tag bearing their name on their collar. You want the dog to be able to move. “I named him The Amazing Frisky Barksalot, but since we got his rabies shot, he hasn’t been very frisky at all! I wonder why?” Perhaps it’s the nine pound piece of metal on his collar.

8. If, as is the case with so many shelter dogs, your new friend is missing an ear, do not name him floppy. If he is missing a tail, the name Stump would be a bad idea. And never, ever, name a three legged dog Tripod or Easel.